- A young lady, making her way through life, guided by God's incredible love that just won't let go. I walk, I falter, I float I fall, I fail and yet I rise again For there is something that compels me LOVE It’s so amazing, so divine. I am His His treasure His beloved His jewel His darling!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Finding my lost love
I woke up with a sense of unease, but I could not figure out the cause.
Everything around did not hold the pleasure and excitement they once held. Even reading left me drained at the end and all felt like a wasted effort, music used to be my cure all but not any of my favorites did it this time.
It's one of my mood swings again, I reasoned, I'll get back to my normal self soon enough.
Only this listless feeling dragged through the week, the next and it was a month already and I was still no wiser as to the cause of my dour mood. I changed my routines, made new friends, went out more, did fun things but not one could satisfy my longing.
I had developed a gash in my heart; there was an emptiness that nothing could fill.
One day, I sat wondering what to do with myself; the movie I had intended to watch did not hold any excitement so I just let it play on unattended. Just then I saw my old journal and so I picked it up and flipped through the pages reading some of the entries.
As I read it, I noticed that the now familiar unease didn't plagued this girl did not plague the girl that wrote all the entries, she was excited, light hearted and so full of life.
She had a firm hand on what went on around her and wasn't afraid of anything.
Then it hit me, back then I was in love! His name came up in my ever entry and I claimed he was just a friend all that while and now I've pushed my love away.
I sent him away!
He was always there for me, I didn't know if I loved him or not but it was normal to have him around. He's there once I'm free, he leaves the moment I'm too busy to talk. He sends me messages that kept me laughing all day. There was nothing I wanted that he didn't get me once it was within his capacity and reasonable.
I was cherished, pampered, loved, but what did I do with it all? I pushed him away. I often left him without as much as an "excuse me" when I see my "friends" the same ones that do not stay when I need them. He was in every way perfect for me.
Sang me to sleep on some days, raised a garden of my favorite flowers, got me the novels that fueled my imagination, painted me pictures that just blew my mind, why won't a girl be happy? No mood swing can beat his tender care, he knows just what to say or to do or not do to get me back where I need to be.
And I threw it all away; I got too big for my breaches. I hurt him constantly and he let me. Till the day I told him I didn't want him around anymore, and then he left me. I got what I asked for but could not live with it.
This was why I woke up with the uneasy feeling that had now become “normal”.
How would I get back with him?
Would he forgive me if I said I was sorry?
Why would I want to go to him again?
He would make me grovel won't he? I surely would if I were him and still won't take me back.
Anyway I decided I won't be so cheap as to go begging already, I would wait maybe he would send me a mail or something, a sms may be.
I went to bed that night that thought. I woke up the following am and guess whose name was on my mind, him of course. I decided to call him like he used to call me every morning before I pushed him away.
I would never forget his reaction to my call, my heart broke all over again.
He shouted Darlyn! I have so missed you, you won't understand how much. I have waited for this call, you told me not to call so I hoped you would change your mind and call me.
I've missed you so much, his voice cracked as he said this, I heard the tears in his voice. I was 100% sure I made the right decision to call him that morning.
He asked if he could come over, and of course I agreed. We spent the next few hours catching up. He told me he loved me and I knew it was true.
And so, I found love, found my smile again in my best friend, the one that loves me more than anyone else in the world, my first and forever love- My God